Hope in the midst of a malignant depression

I'd diagnose myself with malignant depression. I've been really sensitive with everything. I'm actually very very sad that I have no one to talk to. I know that we should always feel that we hold our life but in my case, I can't. I won't. A lot of people would be disappointed in me if I would. Some might judge me, others would pity me. And the most important person in my life will be left alone... and I can't let that happen. My life is also his, and its okay because that's how much I love him.

To be diagnosed with depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks. But no need for that, I've been depressed for almost 7 years. And a lot of circumstance made it really worst by the year. Its easy to pretend to be okay when your actually not. It would be great if you have an avenue to release some of that hidden pain but when you don't, it makes life a living hell. You have to live with a lot of expectations, be wary of all the people around you, and base your decisions to someone. We do have friends, but sometimes its hard to choose who to trust. It's not that you don't trust her enough but you're afraid that she would feel helpless that she can't save you from what you are feeling. You're just afraid because sharing is giving that piece of depression and load to think of. You are worried that she would also feel the pain and you don't that to happen. Its so sad that whenever you feel like releasing it just to yourself, but had no where private to go because everywhere had people in it, you would want to die just a second.

I hope my life is just because of school problems, or some petty friendship fights. But no, its not just that. The family that would help you and be there for you is just not a good support system. In fact, they created more mess in your life. When they are expected to provide you with everything, they just don't because they can't or don't. The man who should be understanding of his child was not that considerate and worst is a dictator. When he needed to provide financial stability and protection, he was always away which is understandable but is not acceptable when he can't share what he earn to sustain our needs. He was away to sustain, but is just so selfish and controlling. Let me just say it, some father just don't get the trend that everything changes and their time is different than what is in present. I'm so freaking tired of always justifying that the present is whats real. Its hard to live a life where you need to prove yourself to your parents just to provide the needs for yourself when you're still a student. Why do I need to have this kind of fate?

I may be depressed, but that didn't stop me from achieving a lot of things to make my life taste a little bit of happiness. I'm thankful for the few people who keeps me up and makes me feel love. For the ones who've been by my side listening without any question, I owe you a lot. I've learned that you can't live life without a reason. You don't just live to die. You live because of something. This keeps you going, it helps you stand up when you fall down. I have malignant depression which may progress further into cancer, a deadly disease. And only a hope that one day I'll find a cure to what I'm feeling keeps me going. I need to live, for the sake of others, and for me to taste a life without cuffs holding me back,

Mischievous as ever

After so many years, I'm so glad I'm finally back with blogging again. Its been 5 years since I last posted my creative writings in this blog, the others were my favorite jokes and stories I've read from the internet. The past years and the recent events had given me a million reasons and signs that I should go back writing again. So much happened, I got to experience a lot of things and I have a lot realizations that I want to share. In a few months, I'll be leaving my teenage years and I'll finally be a real adult. Today I decide to write the story of my life, maybe not almost everyday but most of the time, because I tend to forget some of the memories. I want to have something to look back to when I get older. I want to read this again maybe a decade after and thank God for giving me the opportunity to live again for that long. For me each second is precious that should forever be remembered. We are given one chance to live this life so why not cherish it to the fullest?

I am currently interested in this korean drama series entitled, "Chicago Typewriter". It really pulled the trigger for me to write. I've got a lot of things to thank the korean drama land. They influenced and taught me lessons I cannot learn from my friends and family. It was my breathing space. This era is ruled by it already. I was a fan since 2009, and now almost everyone was into it. I'm so happy that I've got a lot of people to relate to compared when I was younger.

With all the experience I've got and will have, I'm more than willing to write and share it graciously. I want this blog to be my forever bestfriend, that will neither judge nor leave me. I hope this will lead me to good things. 

Reflection Paper: Five People You Meet In Heaven

According to Fyodor Dostoyevsky, “The mystery of human existence lies not in just staying alive, but in finding something to live for”. Looking out for that meaning to our existence is one of the many reasons why we live. We were born not just to make mistakes, but to learn from those mistakes that would mold our lives here on earth. It is from those mistakes that we gain experiences that lead us to the answer “What is my purpose in life?” But that isn’t the case for Eddie, an elderly man whose journey goes on once he passes away.

Eddie works in an amusement park named Ruby Pier and has done so for the past 50 years.  Every day, he goes to work regardless of how tired he is and does his job watching generation after generation come and go from the park.  It is one of the few things keeping him going in his old age. One day while at work on his 83rd birthday, Eddie is involved in a tragic accident trying to fix one of the rides and he is killed. Upon entering heaven Eddie meets five people. Some of them are unknown to him, regardless; they all have had a huge impact on his life without him knowing. Each of the people teaches him an important lesson that many of us in our own lives find difficult to learn. As he meets every person, he realizes what his purpose in life was.
Upon Eddie’s encounter with the first people whom he met in heaven, which is Joseph Corvelzchik or “Blue Man”, I learned that there are no random acts. All lives are interconnected, and fairness does not govern life or death. We must be careful of our own acts as not to portray a negative effect on every person that we encounter. Even though we don’t usually see the effect of our actions to other people, still we must learn to be careful and be wise for we don’t control and we don’t know what might happen to us or to the other. As for the second encounter of Eddie with his captain from the war, he learned that no one dies for nothing and that when you sacrifice something precious, such as a leg, you always gain something. Eddie just doesn't know yet what he has gained. Sacrifice is a part of life. It's supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to. We tend to think twice before holding on to that sacrifice. We fear that we might lose a lot from doing that. But what we don’t actually see is that we gain a lot more than what we usually regret. Sometimes, it’s better not to think of the consequences if it involves the betterment of the others.
Ruby is the third person Eddie encountered in heaven. I learned from his encounter that anger is self-destructive and that we must forgive. I used to carry my anger for a very long time and then asked myself, “Why do I feel a lot burdened?” Then I came to realize that not letting go of that anger makes it more difficult for me to move forward. Carrying that heavy burden would actually cause me more pain. The thing is that I was afraid that if I let go of that anger, I would feel defeated and coward. But, that’s not the point; Anger is just a choice. Being angry is like holding onto a wild flame which would burn you down. Amidst everything, we must choose to be rational and forgive everything. Forgiveness would not just ease your burden, but would greatly cause you a lot more peace of mind and happiness. Knowing that you could forgive, you would understand the reason for every mistake that everyone encounters.
The fourth person that Eddie encounters is his wife, Marguerite. Lost love is still love. It just takes a different form. Although life has to end, love doesn't. Love is all powerful and reaches beyond death. Just like my love for my mother who already passed away. Although I cannot see her, I can still feel that she will eternally love me just like how I love and miss her every day. And the last person whom Eddie encounters is Tala. I’ve learned that we all had purpose in life. His life was not for nothing and that its purpose was to protect all the many children at Ruby Pier through his care for the safety of the rides. Many of us don’t realize it, but I believe that many of us has been doing our real purpose in life without noticing it. We tend to forget and neglect the small things that we do, but it’s actually one of the most important contributions that we have taken part to.

Life always has its hidden truth. Some we find out later on and some may remain to unveiled until death. We got stuck with our past in such a way that we felt like there is really no worth of moving on forward. I have realized that there are so many things that are beyond man’s comprehension. I think God made it to be that way. We cannot understand everything that life has to offer. The only thing that we can do is to deal with it and try to maintain a positive outlook in life. When we feel so miserable in life, when we feel like all of the problems in life are upon us, we must think that there are many other people out there who are much more miserable than us. As the saying goes, think of the blessings that you have instead of those that you don’t have. Try to be more understanding when dealing with other people. And live your life to the fullest cause that’s what we truly deserve. 

[STORY] I Love You Mom! ♥

You are not that LUCKY if you missed reading this amazing story.
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After 21 yrs of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner.

She said,"I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 yrs, but the demands of my work & my 3 children had made me visit her only occasionally. That night, I called to invite her to go out for dinner.

"What's wrong, are you well?" she asked.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you" I responded.
"Just the two of us" She thought about it and then said "I would like that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived, I noticed that she too seemed to be nervous about our date. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady.

After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes & saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.

"It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small" she said.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation, catching up on recent events of each other's life. As we arrived at her house later, she said,"I'll go out with you again, only if you let me invite you."

I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home.

"Very nice, more than I could have imagined." I replied her.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. I could not do anything for her.

Sometime later, I received an envelope with a copy of a receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said:"I paid this bill in advance.I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for 2 plates one for you & the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant to me. I love you, son"

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying:"
I LOVE YOU"
and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.

[STORY] Don't Be Picky

Boy: Marry me?
Girl: Do you have a house?
Boy: No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car?
Boy: No..
Girl: How much is your salary?
Boy: No salary.. but.
Girl: No but. You have nothing. How can I marry you? Just leave me, please!!
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Boy: *talking to himself* I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW?! How can I get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS?