Hope in the midst of a malignant depression

I'd diagnose myself with malignant depression. I've been really sensitive with everything. I'm actually very very sad that I have no one to talk to. I know that we should always feel that we hold our life but in my case, I can't. I won't. A lot of people would be disappointed in me if I would. Some might judge me, others would pity me. And the most important person in my life will be left alone... and I can't let that happen. My life is also his, and its okay because that's how much I love him.

To be diagnosed with depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks. But no need for that, I've been depressed for almost 7 years. And a lot of circumstance made it really worst by the year. Its easy to pretend to be okay when your actually not. It would be great if you have an avenue to release some of that hidden pain but when you don't, it makes life a living hell. You have to live with a lot of expectations, be wary of all the people around you, and base your decisions to someone. We do have friends, but sometimes its hard to choose who to trust. It's not that you don't trust her enough but you're afraid that she would feel helpless that she can't save you from what you are feeling. You're just afraid because sharing is giving that piece of depression and load to think of. You are worried that she would also feel the pain and you don't that to happen. Its so sad that whenever you feel like releasing it just to yourself, but had no where private to go because everywhere had people in it, you would want to die just a second.

I hope my life is just because of school problems, or some petty friendship fights. But no, its not just that. The family that would help you and be there for you is just not a good support system. In fact, they created more mess in your life. When they are expected to provide you with everything, they just don't because they can't or don't. The man who should be understanding of his child was not that considerate and worst is a dictator. When he needed to provide financial stability and protection, he was always away which is understandable but is not acceptable when he can't share what he earn to sustain our needs. He was away to sustain, but is just so selfish and controlling. Let me just say it, some father just don't get the trend that everything changes and their time is different than what is in present. I'm so freaking tired of always justifying that the present is whats real. Its hard to live a life where you need to prove yourself to your parents just to provide the needs for yourself when you're still a student. Why do I need to have this kind of fate?

I may be depressed, but that didn't stop me from achieving a lot of things to make my life taste a little bit of happiness. I'm thankful for the few people who keeps me up and makes me feel love. For the ones who've been by my side listening without any question, I owe you a lot. I've learned that you can't live life without a reason. You don't just live to die. You live because of something. This keeps you going, it helps you stand up when you fall down. I have malignant depression which may progress further into cancer, a deadly disease. And only a hope that one day I'll find a cure to what I'm feeling keeps me going. I need to live, for the sake of others, and for me to taste a life without cuffs holding me back,

Mischievous as ever

After so many years, I'm so glad I'm finally back with blogging again. Its been 5 years since I last posted my creative writings in this blog, the others were my favorite jokes and stories I've read from the internet. The past years and the recent events had given me a million reasons and signs that I should go back writing again. So much happened, I got to experience a lot of things and I have a lot realizations that I want to share. In a few months, I'll be leaving my teenage years and I'll finally be a real adult. Today I decide to write the story of my life, maybe not almost everyday but most of the time, because I tend to forget some of the memories. I want to have something to look back to when I get older. I want to read this again maybe a decade after and thank God for giving me the opportunity to live again for that long. For me each second is precious that should forever be remembered. We are given one chance to live this life so why not cherish it to the fullest?

I am currently interested in this korean drama series entitled, "Chicago Typewriter". It really pulled the trigger for me to write. I've got a lot of things to thank the korean drama land. They influenced and taught me lessons I cannot learn from my friends and family. It was my breathing space. This era is ruled by it already. I was a fan since 2009, and now almost everyone was into it. I'm so happy that I've got a lot of people to relate to compared when I was younger.

With all the experience I've got and will have, I'm more than willing to write and share it graciously. I want this blog to be my forever bestfriend, that will neither judge nor leave me. I hope this will lead me to good things.